This right here is dedicated to me and the next broken person who reads this.
These words will have no meaning whatsoever to you if you are just one of those people that simply go about your day-to-day life care free and nothing happens. Your greatest stuggle for a day is when the guy you’re seeing doesn’t call you? Really.
Whilst the rest of us go through debt, mis-carriages, death, divorce, humiliation, cancer, law-suits, betrayal, abortion, identity crisis, abuse, rape AND BLAH!!!
But that’s perfectly fine I’m not writting in attempt to make you live a life not fit for you. I can’t guilt trip you to experience something you don’t know how. We are called with different purpose, with an equivalent suitable measure of Faith, and respond accordingly to what lies within us. Some of us therefore go through HELL ON EARTH as a test of our faith, but thank God it is only a test.
Most of you reading this don’t know me, some of you reading this THINK you know me. I myself don’t even know me.
If I could sum myself up: My name is Faith, and I have Faith. (Cliche but so fitting and true)
Having been alive for 20 years, a common almost recurring theme is evident in my life. Pain. Just pure pain at the core of my heart, somewhere within the deepest uttermost part of me that I feel every so often (more now than ever). I simply have come to a place where my smile is but for a second and I find myself crying A LOT. This is not like “i feel sorry for myself, my life is so bad” crying…
It’s a silent weep from within and I can just cry and cry and cry and cry
and I’ll pray.. but still cry.. pray some more.. cry some more..
and frankly, I AM PRAY-ED OUT AND CRY-ED OUT!!!
It’s either I kill myself (which is not an option really)
or I figure out what the fuss/pain is about.
(n.b if you’re sitting there in your prestigious seat of judgement and trying to figure out why I’ve decided to blog about this BLOG about this.. don’t! ain’t nobody got time for opinion when they hurting)
So What is it? *she thinks out loud*
A lot of stuff that has caused me hurt is too personal to share on WordPress, but in time, God will give me a platform to really testify and tell a story, A Story Of Faith.
Meanwhile, yet still not knowing why my soul must weap I’ve had to make some challenging decisions, just to lighten the burden. They are challenging because in the natural, they seem delusional and will require a lot of me. But I cannot afford to do without as my survival and sanity requires me to IF I am going to be really happy within myself.
1) I do not have to prove myself to/attain approval from you (insert YOUR name)
You being on the same level as me, another mere mortal, subject to the laws of the earth, the change in seasons just as I am. You are not superior to me, neither am I to you. You therefore have NO RIGHT to hurt me or dissapprove of me, vice-versa. Your duty (by choice) is to love your God (by choice) love your neighbour (by choice) and love me (DEFINITLEY by choice). What I say, the way I think, the way I write/blog is simply an expression of who God created me to be combined with the experiences I have had in my short life here on earth. I can’t change this about me, YOU can’t change this about me. I’ve accepted this and the more I study myself the more I fall in love with myself. I’d hope this goes for you to, however IF you happen to have a problem with anything be it my skin-tone, my personality, my nationality speak to God about it or better yet, Deal with it. My character however is subject to change, with time. If you don’t like my character at the moment, do me a favour and pray for me. Sitting there with assumptions and rules of how you would like me to live my life will no benefit either of us. It would just make me stubborn. And I ain’t about that life.
2) Not everyone is in it for the long run.
This is not really MY decision, rather something I’ve decided to accept. It is not my doing but of course God. We lose and gain people all the time, no not twitter followers but real life-changers. The ultimate decider being death. Not everyone will ride out the journey of my life with me and I will not ride out with everyone, sad but true. Think about it this way; I’ve had “childhood” friends from school througout to college, I’ve had friends from the day I confessed my Faith as a Christian. We made plans together, We had dreams together. I’m sitting here writing alone. I wouldn’t even dare pick up the phone and announce my new blog post is up simply because the common ground of which our friendship once laid is no more. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS did I see this coming or even WANT it to happen. I can’t even offer a straighforward explanation as to why I haven’t maintained my friendships. But in retrospect my personality of solidarity, easy withdrawal and dettachment could be a starting point…
I would have loved to bring everyone along and be there for everyone, and maybe a big reunion is in store. But I’ve come to a point I need to accept, Let it (them) go and move on. It does me no good wallowing in pitty whilst everyone get’s along and accomplishes THEIR goals. Their life didn’t stop because I left, My life did. For a short while. I won’t even lie I was just entangled in a me/them/us/she-said mess. Your friends are a second family, of choice and sometimes just God given. Pray for your friends, the right ones to come your way. Pray for your friends, the wrong ones to leave and go their way. Stop holding onto people that are on their way down and taking you down with them. Stop holding onto people that have moved on. Stop holding on. Let it go.
And to those with the privilege of joining ME for the long run.
Welcome aboard. Being in my life as my friend you are guaranteed Love, as best as I know how. You are guaranteed a listening ear and a toungue of advice.. if you request that of me. However if you become my friend in the hopes of controlling me you are in for a struggle. I’m not an open book but I am a thrilling book. Each chapter is different and every new revelation about me is bigger than before. I’d hope you are as much of a friend to me as I am. Encourage me, support me, motive me, inspire me, dream with me, laugh with me, cry with me?
Don’t Give Up On Me.
I don’t blame you if you can’t hack it, I won’t hold it against you.
Just speed up the process of your departure so I can make room for the freshers because like I said, not everyone is in it for the long run.
3)The future is still very much bright
A LOT of people are routing for me to fail. 2/10 people in a room will genuinely want me to do well. My statistics generated by my random number generator, in my head.
They don’t realllly mean anything on the surface, but I use them to illustrate that I wasn’t born the prettiest girl in the room, the fastest runner on the track. I didn’t play Mozart aged 5 neither did I memorise the whole periodic table. Therefore in a society based on appearance and proving yourself I’d be a bit more than average but definitely no Beyonce!
My Faith however tells me something compeletly different:
I believe [by faith] my life and the events thereoff are not by chance, rather the strategic plan of a Sovereign God who is not limited by human reasoning. I believe [by faith] I am being prepared for a future to serve and love others. I believe [by faith] my suffering was not in vain rather a pre-requisite for the strength I need to be me. I believe [by faith] my future is bright. The way I see it, I am going to do something that has never been done before. Beyond any talent and human ability. Destiny. I don’t know where, how, who or when it will happen, but I just Know.I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW!
Don’t believe me?
If you’ve read this thoroughly you’d realise I still don’t know what the fuss/pain is about, but really I don’t think I need to know.
One of life’s many “WHY’s” left unanswered questions. The beauty of having Faith, is that in the midst of life’s WHY’s you can still manage to believe enough to keep on keeping on and STAND. With your head held up high, feet firmly sunk into the ground shoulders back just STAND. STAND when you don’t know what else to do, for falling (this far in) is not an option. STAND and let [your] God show off. STAND and let [your] God reward you for your diligence.
By Yours Faithfully.